Before the year ends...

Since my last post, I have been gathering momentum to come back but life had other plans. Before the year ends, I would like to share with you a little something I worked on this year. I have a free short story called Troubled Horizon on Okadabooks and Chowilson. But I wanted to put out another collection of short stories like I did the Quilt and decided to merge them with the free story. It is a far smaller collection which I hope when printed will be cheap enough for lovers of my work to grab off me in a jiffy. While the proofreading and editing stage is taking longer than planned, I do want you to have a sneak peek of one of the stories in the New compilation which is also titled Troubled Horizon.

Today the story I will be sharing with you is from my Brittle Paper 2017 December entry that didn't make the list or winners. Someone said it was because the story was a bit sad. Although I have revised the submission to what is below, it is important that we acknowledge the fact that not everyone has a Merry Christmas. Some people lose loved ones during the season, others are so broke they can only afford a meal. A few are too sick to celebrate and poverty has a grip on so many that celebrating is a challenge. These are realities faced by Nigerians which should not be ignored by literature in a bid to change the narrative of how Africans celebrate Christmas. For the African Narrative to be complete, it must be full of robust stories showing the good, the bad and the ugly. That way we correct the danger of the single story held by the West about us.
Enough talk. Here is my story and I'd like to hear your feedback in the comment section or on the social media platform where you followed the link to this blog.

                               WATCH-NIGHT

17-year-old Ese stood in the doorway, gazing at the rays of light streaming through the window onto the neatly made bed. In the beam were dust particles; she knew she should change the sheets, but she dared not. It had been a week since someone had used the bed and she didn’t want to forget that.

Ese sighed and moved into the room. She fished through the pockets of the clothes in her father’s cupboard and found a wad of 20 naira notes in one of his trouser pockets.

This should do, she thought to herself. Then she meandered out of the house to get some breakfast items for herself and her siblings.

The day was still young. Though the sun was up, it wasn’t scorching, and the harmattan breeze was refreshing. She walked leisurely to the kiosk built into the fence of her neighbour’s house to buy what she needed. The stroll afforded her time to think. Christmas was the next day, and she still hadn’t heard from her father. She had last heard from him three days ago.

“Hey Ese, are you coming to watch our knock-out war tonight?” Ohioma interrupted her thoughts.

She had not noticed when he walked up to her. She had been waiting for Mama Kess to appear by the kiosk window and sell to her through its protective window bars. Before she could respond, Mama Kess appeared.

“Good morning ma,” they both chorused.

“Good morning my children, what do you want?”

“I want to buy six packets of knock-outs ma,” Ohioma said.

“And you?” asked Mama Kess.

“A loaf of sliced bread, three eggs, a tin of milk and 20 naira’s worth of Lipton, please.”

Mama Kess turned around and ransacked her shelves for the items needed.

“So are you coming?” Ohioma resumed.

“It depends. You know my Dad doesn’t like us being out during ‘watch-night’. Besides, it will be hard to keep an eye on my younger ones while you guys are going all out in a knock-out war.”

“Well, sometimes you need to bend the rules. Live a little,” Ohioma said, turning his back to Mama Kess’ window, a broad carefree smile etched on his face. “Give the little ones some cartoons then join us to have some fun. We will beat them Oghenero’s gang tonight. They dared us! There is no going back. It’s our street versus theirs, and the war is taking place over there.” He pointed at the main road that connected both streets.

“Won’t it cause trouble for road users?” Ese asked as Mama Kess tapped him and gave him his ammunition before collecting her money.

 “Nope. Most parents will be indoors preparing for Christmas. The streets are ours tonight!”  

Ese paid Mama Kess and collected her goods. Ohioma followed her as she headed home.

“So what say ye? You know we need the girls to cheer us on and sing our victory song. The ‘Okponyo’ go too sweet.” Ohioma chuckled.

“And what makes you think you will win?”

“Oh we know we will. We are getting mercenaries from other streets to help us ambush them.”

“Hmmm, seems you’ve got it all figured out. Anyway, as I said, if I can, I will try to be around. No promises.”

“Okay. See you later,” Ohioma said and rushed off to his house where his elder brother was impatiently waiting for him at the door.

Ese shook her head. A smile played across her lips until the sight of her house reminded her of her predicament.

Daddy promised to be home three days ago. What could have kept him? Lord, please let him be alright. 

Losing a mother was hard. The idea of losing a father barely a year later was devastating. But no, Ese refused to allow herself to think of such things.

What was her mother fond of telling her? “Ese, as you think, you become. What you declare as your reality with your mouth and in your mind will become your reality in life.” She wondered what thoughts her mother had in her last moments before the car exploded after the accident. Had those thoughts become her reality?

Eyewitnesses had claimed her mother had died instantly during the accident. They claim she was trying to avoid a pothole near the Market when a vehicle appeared in her line of sight. Although she did her best to avoid running into the family of four driving towards her, her car somersaulted three times before bursting into flames. It happened in the blink of an eye. It had been so fast that there was nothing anyone could do about it. All they got was a call on their house phone from a stranger.

Ese opened the door with the house keys in her hand and heard the TV. Her younger ones were up and watching Christmas-themed cartoons on Cartoon Network.

“Ochuko, Doro, have you brushed your teeth?”

They shook their heads.

“Oya, before I count to five, go into the bathroom and brush your teeth or else I will turn off the TV. One…”

She didn’t need to tell them twice; they knew she always carried out her threats. So they ran out to comply immediately. She went into the kitchen, made their breakfast and served them. When they were through, she ordered them to take their baths and dress up. She laid their favourite outfits on the bed for them to wear. That way, they would look ready for a celebration if they decided to go outside to play.

As soon as they were done getting dressed, the power went out.

“Awww,” they groaned, “they have taken the light.”

“Aunty Ese, can we go over to Maro’s place to play?” Ochuko, her younger brother, asked.

“Yes, you can. But promise me, no ‘long-throat’ when you get there. If your friends don’t offer you a snack or a meal, don’t beg them or cry for it. Say your sister said you should leave now and just come home. You hear me?”

“Yes Aunty Ese,” they chorused and ran out of the house excited.

With both of them out of the house, Ese could now focus on herself and also battle those scary thoughts that kept running through her mind.

The house was empty. The money she found would not be enough to get them the ingredients she needed to make party Jollof rice or fried rice. What was she to do? The last thing she wanted to do was blow all the money at once on a one-day celebration.

What would we eat tomorrow or the days after if daddy didn’t show up?

Every time the phone rang, she prayed it was her father, not a stranger calling to give them bad news. Her relief was palpable every time it turned out to be a friend or a relative calling to wish them Merry Christmas.  

The day seemed to crawl.

***

By this time typically, the family would be out shopping. Even with her mother’s death last year, her dad had tried to keep the tradition. He took them out to Kingsway supermarket to buy as many food items as possible.

The cold air conditioning in the place usually made up for the hassle of the car park. They would stroll through the aisles with their cart, window shopping the items their parents would never get them, like the pretty toys. Then they’d buy household favourites like a bucket of Ice cream, baked beans, hot dogs and big bottles of fruit juice. For clothes, they would go to the Main market downtown and walk through busy, dusty streets to the areas where the clothes merchants were.

Cries of, “Pretty girl, come, I have something for you”, “Oga wetin una dey find? I get am. Come”, “Fine, Fine, cloth here. Fine, fine cloth here”, “Cheap fine cloth dey, come and buy", and lots more would fill the air. Some traders would go as far as pulling one of them by the hand towards their shop.

During such market visits, their Father was fond of saying, “Stick close.”

Ese feared getting lost; the fear of not having any familiar face around or to depend on frightened her and compelled her to obey.

***

It was that same fear of being alone that she felt now that her dad had not shown up as planned. She couldn’t bear the thought of life without him, especially when death had already snatched their mother away.

She looked at the time; it was now 3 pm. Time for her siblings to eat lunch and have their siesta. She went to the neighbour’s house to get them.

“Oh sorry dear, your siblings fell asleep already. Let them rest; we will send them home when they wake up.” Maro’s mum said.

“They are supposed to come home for lunch before they sleep,” Ese protested.

“Don’t worry dear; they ate lunch with my kids. They are in good hands. Why not take time off and enjoy yourself? I’m sure your dad will be home before you know it.”

“Okay, thank you ma.”

Ese left and walked around her neighbourhood for a while. They lived at the father’s company’s housing estate. She saw the Ereoyakas decorating the pine tree outside their house with tinsel and Christmas lights. As she walked further down, the smell of fried chicken wafted through the air from the Talabi’s kitchen window.

When the heat from the sun became unbearable, she headed back home. Besides, seeing how others were preparing for this year’s Christmas celebration caused an ache in her heart.

“Think positive, Ese,” she told herself, “I’ve got to get my mind off this worrying. It’s not doing me any good.”

The cheers of children from different houses signalled that the electricity was back on. She smiled to herself as she hatched a plan to watch romantic Christmas movies to while away the time and quickened her pace. When she got home, she went to count the money in the house to ensure it was enough for any impending hard time.

While watching the movie, she fell asleep. It felt like a few minutes rest because, in her sleep, she could still hear the doorbell ring. She grudgingly rose up and went to answer it. Her friend May was at the door.

“Hi, I come bearing gifts,” she chirped cheerfully, “were you sleeping? You look awful.”

“Yeah, I was. Come in.”

Ese walked into the parlour leaving May to take off her slippers and close the door.

“Here, this is for you.” May handed her a nylon bag with a cooler and a small wrapped present.

Ese opened the present to see a handmade cardboard frame with a broken glass. The picture of an actor she had a crush on had been cello-taped to the glass. It was an innovation they had both come up with one day while playing adventure seekers around their school premises.

They created their local frame with pictures torn out of old magazine issues and abandoned broken glass. Ese came up with the concepts of what to put in it while May penned down any words they came up with. It also proved to be the start of a lucrative business for them both. They usually sold it to fellow schoolmates who used the frames to declare their love for their crushes. They had never thought to keep one for themselves, so it was quite sweet of May to gift it to Ese.

“This is so nice, thanks May. What’s this?” Ese brought out the cooler.

“I told my mom that your dad was late in returning from his business trip and she decided to send over some emergency Christmas food. It’s just in case he doesn’t show up in time with Christmas groceries or for you to do any Christmas shopping. Hey, have you guys heard from him since?”

“No oh. I have been so worried all morning trying to keep it all together. But I am scared May. What if he never comes back. He said he’d be back days ago and he is still not here.” Ese’s voice broke. She took a deep breath before she could continue. “Today is Christmas Eve, and my dad has not returned. I don’t know what to do, May. I’ve lost a mother, I can’t bear to lose my father too.” Ese sobbed, releasing all the tears she had held inside since morning.

May hugged Ese and let her cry it out.

“Don’t think such thoughts Ese. That’s fear talking. Let’s choose to believe that your Dad is all right. He will come home.”

After Ese had calmed down, May asked, “So what are you watching?”

“I don’t know I slept off. I’m sure the film I was watching has ended, and this is a new one.”

“And where are Ochuko and Doro?”

“They went to play with my neighbour’s children and fell asleep there.”

“I have an idea. Why not come with me? My church is having a night of hymns and carols. It’s starting at 5 pm, if we go now, we can make it in time. Your siblings are at your neighbour’s, so this is the best time to enjoy yourself. Let’s go. There will even be fireworks. It’ll be fun. It’ll take your mind off things. Come on.”

“Okay. Let me change into something better and inform the neighbours, so they don’t send my brother and sister home while I am gone.”

The service was just as fun as May said it would be. As the choir sang hymns in orchestra style, the harmonies seeped into her mind, causing her to be more relaxed. She told herself, I am going to stop worrying and trust that God is in control.

So she whispered a prayer, “Lord, by faith I choose to believe my Father is fine and he will come back home to us this night. Help me to stop worrying and just enjoy this Christmas Eve or what is left of it now. I thank you for I receive the answers to my prayer now, in Jesus name, Amen.”

And from that moment on, she enjoyed her time at the service and felt her spirits lift. When she got back, the street wars had started. With barely any street lights or lights from moving vehicles, the sparks from the knock-out wars were like stars exploding close to the earth. She watched and cheered for Ohioma’s team. He was right, their victory was guaranteed. They used video game tactics to outwit their competitors.  

The night was getting quite dark and she felt a bit tired. She left as they sang their victory song to pick up her siblings from their neighbour. When they got to their house, they saw their dad’s car in the driveway. They all squealed and raced home.

“Daddy, Daddy,” cried the younger ones.

Their father flung the door wide open and embraced his children, “Oh, I’ve missed you so,” he said. “Sorry for giving you a fright Ese, I know you worry a lot like your mother.”

“It’s okay daddy; I am just glad you are back. Christmas wouldn’t be the same without you.”

She pressed herself closer to her father as tears of joy slipped down her face. This was what she had prayed for in the service, and now, she had the best Christmas gift she could ever desire. Her family together for Christmas.

“So, I brought home some frozen chicken and a crate of drinks,” dad said.

“Yeah!” they all squealed. A little something was better than nothing right?

May’s mother’s excellent Nigerian party jollof rice would go well with the chicken and drinks to suffice for a grand Christmas meal, Ese thought.

“It might not be much but it’s the least I could do not to make Christmas a total disaster,” their father chuckled. “Oh and I got you these little trinkets for Christmas presents,” he added, bringing out a nylon bag of goodies he had hidden away behind him.

Christmas seemed to be shaping up nicely now. There was nothing a big piece of chicken wouldn’t solve.

The end.

Thanks for your time and happy new year in advance. See you in 2019!

Excerpts from Being Mummy and Me [The tales of Motherhood] by Ann Esievoadje

Being Mummy and Me [The tales of Motherhood] is a non-fiction book on motherhood and balancing individuality in different facets of life. Many times women get lost in the identity being a mother create that they forget who they are as individuals. This often makes it difficult for them to adjust when the kids are finally out of the house or if something tragic happens. As women, we need to ensure we never lose sight of the attributes that make us unique as individuals and as spouses to our partners. The book is sprinkled with stories from real parents about real interactions with their children that come across as funny. Hence the addendum, the tales of motherhood.

So for a year now, only a select few have had access to my second book and today, I've decided to share a chapter in it. The chapter I will be sharing today is Chapter Eight: Motherhood and Raising the Kids.
Enjoy:

"A parenting coach (Mr Adeh Jones) once told me, parenting is a reflection of you as a person. The first time I heard it, I thought it was preposterous, but the more I thought about it, the more it became real. I remember telling someone how upset I was that I could not leave my son to do his assignment alone because he would not make any progress; he would keep erasing whatever he writes assuming it is rubbish because it was not perfectly written even though the answer was correct. The person laughed and said I should not be upset because my son was a perfectionist just like me. I was shocked, not because I believe I am a perfectionist but because the more I kept insisting he should write in a particular way rather than just simply encouraging him, I was indirectly teaching him that what he was capable of wasn't good enough. So I had to back down on the need to force his handwriting to be perfect and allow him to scrawl on paper like the three-year-old he was back then. That was when I started believing that how we are as parents does affect how we raise our children. If you are a patient person, you’ll find you are more forgiving with the kids and their tantrums or mishaps, and this becomes the basis of normal behaviour to adapt to for your children. If you are hard on yourself regarding being an overachiever, the tendency that you would want your kids to become like that is equally high. But we have to recognise that children are unique individuals too. Just as we didn’t want our parents hammering at us to conform to their mould of life or perceptions of us, so also we have to learn to ease up on our kids and give them room to be their own individuals.

Of course, that doesn’t mean we should abandon our responsibility of training and guiding them into being responsible individuals who will be a blessing to generations. It just means we should be careful to not view our children as clones of us but as individuals like us as well. When you are aware of who you are, what your values are and why you want certain things to be the standard in the home, you’ll be better equipped to relate to your children and help them as they come to terms with who they are and why they are predisposed to particular preferences. You’ll end up being a role model that inspires rather than one that they place on a pedestal and dare not aspire to become like because you are perceived as too perfect.

True Story: "Mommy, how is baby going to come out?"
I slant my eyes at my son, who would be 6 years old in three months and admit to myself that a Mr Stork answer is definitely out of the question.
"When the time is right God will bring him out." "Will you vomit him?"
"No! My throat is too small for a baby to get through."
"You'll bring him out from the pee pee?"
Quiet sigh. "Yes."
Scrunching up his face, "Won't it pain you?"
"No. God relaxes my tummy and brings baby out 'poop!'"

Another thing to keep in mind when raising children is the fact that having your sense of personal identity doesn’t mean you need to exclude yourself from your kids. It’s not a license to drive everyone away for some peace and quiet till they no longer want to hang out with you or interpret your actions to mean you do not love them. You can introduce the things you love to the kids. For instance, I love to dance. I did a lot of dancing when I was pregnant and when I gave birth, I would sit my son down and dance in front of him (Dancing is one of my ways of staying fit). As soon as he got older, he too began to jump around whenever I danced. I took him to his school’s end of year party and cheered as he broke his shy exterior and began to dance in public.

By sharing activities you love with your kids, you help them see a side of you they would never have come to discover on their own. It frees them to build a friendship with you and creates an atmosphere of trust, communication and honesty. They get to know what makes mummy happy, sad, angry, tired etc. I also love being in God’s presence. I don’t hide to worship or pray, I let my kids see me connect with God. So when my son is taking a bath and feels like singing, he sings a worship song I fell in love with and sang very often when he was younger. He decides at random that he wants to go to church during the week or pray with his dad even though his vocabulary isn’t all that. And I love him more for it."

I hope you enjoyed that preview from my second published (but first non-fiction) book. Hit me up if you would like to get a copy of the ebook.

In other news, today is the launch of Nimabox TV, Whoop, whoop. Nimabox is a new edutainment channel on Social Media featuring a wide array of shows from Football live, to Tech files, Culture Clan, Igboro and so much more. I am elated to be part of this crew. Please follow all Nimabox media channels online and subscribe to Nimabox on YouTube to catch all these great shows. You can find Nimabox on Twitter, Facebook, Instagram (@nimaboxlive) and on Youtube.

The big reveal of my show "Book Lovers Alley" is Tomorrow. I am nervous and excited at the same time. Do let me know your thoughts on the pilot episode when you watch it. Feedbacks are an excellent way to help anyone get better at anything they are doing. So please give a shout out when you do see it okay? Till then, remember: "Life is short. The onus is on us to make the moments count!" - Quote by Ann Esievoadje.

Fostering teamwork among kids in the home

Toddlers are never too young to learn about teamwork. I have a baby who is almost two years old, and when we have tasks to do, I try to engage him to give him that feeling of inclusion. It starts with little chores around the house like putting the shoes in the shoe rack or the toys in the toy box while mummy is busy sweeping the parlour or folding the freshly washed clothes from the laundry basket. As a mother, I know that keeping the house clean is a team effort.

Teamwork is all about harmonising team members’ strengths to achieve a common goal. It is a necessary skill for getting along with others outside the home and becoming a success in one’s career. However, it’s not right to leave the teaching of teamwork to educational institutions. The home is the first place where important, personal values that are beneficial to the society as a whole must be learned. And when everyone in the home pitches in, it makes the burden of running the home so much more easily managed.

Teaching teamwork to kids is important because they get to learn listening skills, how to communicate effectively, respect for other people’s values/opinion, it builds their confidence, gives them a sense of ownership in a shared vision, teaches them how to productively resolve conflict, and how to mentor or be mentored.

Here are some team building activities to engage in:

1. Playing indoor team building games such as working on an art and crafts project like doing a painting or making useful objects. Just watch Art Attack on Disney Jnr channel for ideas on crafts to do with kids. Others include fixing a puzzle, playing hide and seek, juggling balloons, playing board games, etc.

2. Working on family projects like planning a trip together or deciding on how to spend recreation times, trying to keep the house clean, embarking on reading challenges, etc.

3. Engaging in outdoor fun sports or games like blindfold obstacle games, egg racing relay, etc.

Participating in team building activities help to show if there is a trust gap in the team; if everyone is on the same page about what is expected of them. It also frees children to question the order of things and think individually for themselves when they see the outcome of their decisions with regards to the suggestions offered by others. For instance, when you tell children, don’t do this; they want to find out for themselves why. When they discover it was not beneficial in any way, they become willing to listen to reason and obey. I talk to my son like he is an adult; I explain why we do things, so he understands that he has a responsibility to carry out and has to be accountable as well.

Let’s intentionally build the next generation starting from home.

This article was inspired by a future project.

6 Realities associated with Child bearing

Being a mom has opened my eyes to a few things no one tells you about while you are anticipating being a mother. It’s not that they don’t love you, it’s just that it’s better experienced than told. But I love you so much I want to spare you the agony of being taken unawares about some roller coaster experiences you will go through when you get pregnant, go into the labour room and have your dream baby.

Here they are:

1. Body awareness – there are a class of people whose bodies are the perfect 10; they never have to exercise or watch their diet to stay fit. I used to be in this category. Chances are the changes that occur with pregnancy will fascinate you a lot. Even if you had to work out to keep your muscles toned, or have the illusion of a six pack before pregnancy (yeah women love those too) it means you really do love your figure. After delivery, your body will never quite be the same again. Sure, celebs in Hollywood look great after 3months of pregnancy but be honest, as a Nigerian, do you really have the time and money to get a personal trainer or hit the gym like they do to have that smoking hawt body? Truth is no, not really. You could be among the lucky few whose bodies didn’t change at all during pregnancy or whose bellies disappeared after 2weeks of delivery, if not, welcome to my world of body awareness. With pregnancy, changes which not only affect your skin like facial discolourations or sagging belly skin; your body size like broader nose or increase in feet size (e.g. from a 39 to a 41) and your weight like from a maybe 55kg to 84kg, worries emerge on how to get back to the old you. Suddenly, you’ll find yourself obsessing about your body like you never have and doubts such as, ‘will my partner still find me attractive or still love me like he did before’ will begin to emerge. All of a sudden you’ll find yourself investing in body shapers, corsets and what not just to give you the appearance of pre-pregnancy body and allow you wear certain outfits. So before you judge all those women embracing cosmetic surgery, understand that child bearing does wonders to a woman’s body and can make you more conscious of your fashion choices, your figure or your relationship.

2. Time consciousness – have you ever sat in a meeting and wondered why so much time was spent discussing an issue which should be slam dunk to decide on especially because in your mind, you have a ton of things to do and this didn’t rate high on your priority scale? Well, take that feeling and apply it to the first few months after delivery and you’ll get what I’m driving at. With babies sleeping between 2 – 4hours at a time, every spare minute becomes extremely precious, especially if there is no one around to assist with the baby or with career goals. Even watching, movies feel like a waste of time (unless of course, you are the type of person who blogs about movies or absolutely can’t live without that past time) because there are a ton of other things demanding your attention like the need for a nap. Even resting sometimes can feel cumbersome in relation to all you hope to achieve in a day. Suddenly, being a mother makes you time conscious as you subconsciously start gauging all your activities and deciding what is higher on the priority scale so as slash down on any irrelevant activity and become more efficient in whatever you do. If you already feel you are this way now that you aren’t a parent, don’t worry, the feeling will intensify after you have a child. And if you have more than one child, this feeling will be accompanied with a myriad of emotions like frustration, exhaustion and short temper.

3. Lack of energy – you might wonder why people tell you to rest a lot after delivery and focus on just taking care of the baby, eating, bathing and sleeping especially when after the second week you feel fine and ready to cook your own meals and make decisions around the house. The term ‘Rest’ slowly begins to sound like solitary confinement as you watched the whole world go about their daily routines and you feel jobless. But the minute you violate your rest time with work, you’ll feel so fatigued that even handling burping of the baby after a meal becomes stressful. What you don’t know as a new mother is that the older they grow, the more time they’ll demand from you. And when you spend the time you are supposed to use to sleep for other activities, you’ll find that they never really get done completely any way. If you still keep pushing, you might catch yourself drinking energy drinks just to keep up while compromising on other values (like your relationship with your spouse). One way to keep your energy up besides sleeping – preferably a month after delivery – is actually through exercise. Mild exercise like stretching exercises like Yoga and Pilates, a few cardio or muscle strengthening exercise done briefly for about 10mins – which can be done twice a day if you have the time – can really do wonders for boosting your energy. Also, try to set aside time for resting and time out for your personal space so as to avoid burn out and stay revitalized while raising your kids (this helps to also prevent you from resenting your kids or blaming them for all your woes).

4. Pains – childbearing is always associated with pains and for good reasons too. During labour, people assume pain intensity is synonymous to progress in the delivery process but this is not always the case. The dilation/opening of the cervix which signals the journey of the baby out of the womb is not necessarily dependent of the contraction pain intensity felt. This is why some women feel no pain and suddenly the head of the baby is already in the birth canal or why doctors insist that once you see any of the signs of labour, you should head on straight to the hospital. In a bid to have a speedy and pain-free delivery, women have woven a myth out of the birth of captive Israelites in Egypt during bible days called it the ‘Hebrew women delivery’ forgetting that pain threshold for individuals vary and can be held responsible for why some women experience less challenges with their delivery than others. I did a number of tweets on this issue of Hebrew women delivery a while back on my twitter handle (annkite0), you can visit my favourites tweet tab or the hashtag #anafricanwoman’stale for my breakdown of the actual Hebrew women and their delivery. Speaking of pain, whether you deliver normally or with cesarean (CS), you will experience tremendous pain. Starting with the multiple vaginal examinations done before and during labour till the actual delivery. With normal delivery, it is contractions and labour pains which may last for hours or days depending on the circumstances surrounding your delivery while for CS, the spinal anesthesia may take away the pain of the surgery for about 12 hours or thereabout after which you have to learn to overcome the numbness of your limbs and deal with the pain post operation which could linger for days or weeks. All these are with reference to safe deliveries without further complications (because complications like hemorrhaging, loss of the child or the womb is a different story altogether that go with psychological pain). In the words of my mother-in-law, “all things delivery involves pain so just cross your mind and bear it”.

5. Gift giving – when it comes to getting gifts for a newborn, people are majorly clueless because they have no idea what the parents have or what they need. That’s why abroad, they have a culture of baby shower where the parents put out a registry of possible gift items to be bought by friends and well-wishers. In Nigeria however, that custom does not involve the registry. While some friends are wise enough to just ask you what you would like them to get, others feel you should appreciate whatever is given whether you need it or not. Kinda like weddings where people buy you a ton of plates or drinking glasses that you can never exhaust using in your lifetime. So here are a few gift-giving advice to help make this phase easier: You can do the unmentionable and get a gift for the mother. Yes you heard right, not the baby the mother. You could get her snacks and juice, green tea or chocolate drink (Milo or Ovaltine) which she can eat while waiting for food during the first 2months of delivery. You could also get a pack of disposable breast pads or tops/clothes ideal for breast feeding when she’s out for a function. For the newborn, the principle is get things the child can use way after the time of birth (0-3months) like you can get baby wipes, diapers for 3-12months, cerelac/baby food for when the child starts migrating to semi solids after 6months, clothes for a much older age like 6months to 1 year old or older. You can also get age appropriate toys or little things like Milton’s sterilizer for when the kids starts using feeding bottles, frames to put up pictures of the baby around the house to photo document the baby’s growth, etc. The gift ideas are so many but if you are in doubt, simply put your cash in an envelope and bless the family with it. Money is a defense and hardly anyone would reject monetary blessings because they are seeds sown into the life of a child which the parents could use for the child either by opening an account, an education fund package or meeting needs when economic challenges hit the family. Just put a lot of fore-thought into the choice of a gift item, no matter the cost, and you can be sure the parents will definitely appreciate it.

6. Diet consciousness – nothing like the burden of knowing you are responsible for the existence of another human being to make you want shape up diet-wise. Some people are blessed with such a good body that anything they eat doesn’t cause their weight or physique to change but others are not so lucky. Those who aren’t lucky but are health conscious will probably already be working on their weight issues while those who are may be in for the shock of their life when pregnancy changes that dynamics. The fear of having a big baby may prompt some women to watch what they eat but the baby’s growth only increases exponentially in third trimester, so before then all the excess food you eat just get stored as fat. After the baby is born, tendencies are you will be on a diet to enhance milk production and in Nigeria, it’s usually pap, rice with vegetables and pepper soup. Milk is usually not recommended because it gives babies a nasty case of gas which can be hell for nursing mothers at night but you can replace your intake of the usual full cream milk with skimmed milk which is easier on baby’s system in terms of digestion. And guess what? A protein rich diet with loads of water, fruits and vegetables does more for milk flow than all the carbohydrates our culture says we must take and the former are way healthier. Once the baby is off breast milk, the possibility of slipping into old habits may arise but if the weight gain caused a disfigurement in your body (e.g. under arm ‘chicken wings’ or bulging bellies), worries on how to regain what was lost becomes a motivating factor for one to be conscious of what foods are eaten because weight gain is 80% what you eat. Another reason to watch what one eats is the need to avoid healthy challenges that can cut short one’s life and the ability to live a long life and see the growth and evolution of their kids.

Being a woman isn’t easy and it is far more that changing one’s outward appearance or internal organs. But these issues aren’t isolated to being female, they are realities most people, male and females deal with in different way it’s just that pregnancy amplifies them. If you weren’t already aware of how pregnancy brings all these to the fore of a woman’s life, you are welcome. It’s been my pleasure educating you.

Teenagers and Money

I wrote this piece for a magazine that was exclusively printed for a select few. So enjoy:

Being young is fun especially if you are lucky enough to have uncles and aunties who give you money whenever they come to visit or if your parents give you an allowance regularly. It is important however to start learning financial accountability; not because your parents expect you to but because it makes you know how every kobo received was spent. So here are a few tips to help you make the most of the money you receive:-

 Give 10% to God. One good way to ensure your money never runs dry is by paying your tithe. A tithe is a spiritual act that tells God you are grateful that He gave you the money in the first place. It’s the first thing you should do when you get an allowance; it motivates God to give you much more.

 Write down ALL transactions. It’s important to write down not only how much money you received and when but also what you spent it on, how much it was and when you spent it. This way you’ll have a record of all your spending decisions and be better able to improve how you spend.

 Be a smart shopper. Moms are the best buddies when it comes to buying things at least expensive prices so tag along whenever your mom goes shopping or offer to assist her buy things like recharge cards, grocery etc. That way you’ll know how much things cost and where you can get the best deal for your money’s worth.

 Invest. Another way to make sure you never run out of money is to look for opportunities that increase the money you have. Buy something you can sell that you know your classmates will want to pay for e.g. Pencils or erasers or even biros. Tell them about it and make sure you collect the money before giving them the goods.

 Save, save, save. Whenever you receive money, always put aside an amount you won’t touch until absolutely necessary. You could save up for a project like tickets to the cinema once a month. Don’t carry around all the money you have because you’ll be tempted to spend it all at once. Break up your money into bits and promise yourself you won’t spend more than a particular amount. That way the day you aren’t given an allowance, you can actually have some money to fall back on (your savings).

There’s so much to learn when it comes to handling money. Many adults are still learning about it, so go easy on yourself, one day you’ll get it right. It takes great practise to become great with money but once you do, you can handle any monetary twists and turns.

THE JOY OF MOTHERHOOD

Every new mother has heard this clause before. I thought I knew what it meant until I delivered my cutie pie who by the way turned 6months old this month. Forgive me I can’t resist the urge to show you a picture of him now; looking more handsome and becoming full of his personality as his individuality shines through daily.

Ok, back to what I was saying. As the months rolled by I realized that it was the challenges of raising children that older women referred to as the ‘joy’ of motherhood. Being a new mum isn’t a very cheerful time and every time details of the process are discussed, third parties tend to chuckle and say, “That’s the joy of motherhood”, 'Really?', i always want to retort. How can the following be referred to as joyous? I’ll list a few of them and you’ll be the judge.

1. Sleep deprivation – Even now at six months it’s still an issue. You work so hard during the day taking care of him, doing chores, going back to work/building your career and just when you feel like you need a night break, hubby walks in with the little one to say, 'he woke up because he’s hungry, you need to feed him.' Initially they wake up to eat every 2 or 3 hours but as they grow older, it becomes at least twice a night between 10pm – 5 or 6am. Someone said if your baby doesn’t wake up at night something is wrong. I beg to differ. I’ll be ecstatic if he can only sleep for 8 - 9 hours at a stretch. Let’s not forget also when the baby gets his/her first exposure to the flu virus, cough or in this part of the world, malaria. The pain of watching your baby struggle to breathe or refuse to eat when you know he/she is hungry makes it hard for you, the mother, to sleep. For the first time, you discover that you can actually go for 24hours without sleep and not die.

2. Sore nipples – Some babies have trouble latching on well and that can cause injury to the mother’s nipples. Other times it’s just the amount of stress put on the nipple by using the wrong sized pump or poor method of expressing as well as from continuous feeding. Even when the baby starts growing older and developing teeth, he tends to bite the nipple as though it was the teeth of the feeding bottle; all in an attempt to scratch his gum. No matter the reason for this, it is painful and tend to make mums worry that they’ve contracted an infection (like thrush) that’s why the pain seems not to go away and when they ask for a solution all they are told is keep on breastfeeding, it’ll go away.

3. Puke pen – Every time he wants to regurgitate or he’s over fed, your body becomes his sink. No wonder most mums dress drag and drab when at home. At some stage, babies puke so much that it feels like there is no point trying to dress up or look good. It’s quite annoying when they puke on a dress you just washed and it escapes their own clothing. Sometimes the puke is so much that you conclude its vomit and call the doctor out of fear because you can’t wrap your head around why it’s happening so often. Once the puking phase is over, it is quickly replaced by the biting and spitting stage where your body becomes their chew toy to help relive their itchy gums. Bottom line, your body is no longer yours and they can do with it whatever they want whenever they want.

4. Fatigue – People say mothers who added enormous weight during pregnancy should shape up with exercises. What they don’t know is that caring for an infant is so exhausting that every free time available would rather be spent relaxing or trying to find some ‘me-time’. Naps become glorious and a little time to do what you love to do becomes absolutely necessary so you don’t begin to resent your baby or slump into post postpartum depression that can ruin your relationship with your spouse or other family members. Hollywood mums make it look so easy when they go back to work or photo shoots and show off hot post baby body but they never tell you the amount of help they needed to have in order to work those abs and look so perfect. For some women, their bodies shrink back and by 6months without exercise, their bellies are flat and their bodies great looking. For others, that’s just a dream that by 8months when their strength has returned and the routine of baby is more predictable, they can actually start working out intensively to get their bodies back. While for a minority of women, nothing they ever do can get them back to where they want to be because genetically, their physiological change was bound to happen after a certain age. So exercises will just wear them out, so they have to stick to low impact exercises just to maintain their health but where is the strength to even do that?

5. Change in diet – When babies move from milk to semi solids and solids, it can be very challenging because as a mum you have to cook a variety of foods to find out which the baby likes and acclimatises to. This can be a very stressful time especially when coupled with fatigue. Then you have to worry about keeping all his feeding utensils clean and sterilized so he doesn’t contract an infection in addition to adjusting back to your normal routines and hoping something you fed him with doesn't trigger an allergic reaction. As a mum, especially in Nigeria, delivery means change in your diet also. You move from regular foods to drinking corn custard (aka pap, akamu or ogi as known in our local dialects), hot cocoa tea and pepper soup with dried fish. As long as the meal is hot and liquid or semi liquid, it becomes your best meals for the first one month. Of course you want ice cream and chocolate, after all, you’ve eaten a veggie diet for months to ensure you don’t pack on more pounds than necessary but all that doesn’t count till your breast milk flow is established.

There are lots of things I could whine about that people refer to as the 'joys of motherhood' but in the end, I’ve discovered that it isn’t the trials of raising a child that is the joy of motherhood. It is the experience; the journey both mother and child share as the child comes into his own, that is the joy of motherhood. The ability to watch life develop within you, ticking the check list as your child progresses from one milestone to another as a healthy normal baby. It’s sharing in the wonder and amazement of your child as he/she takes in the world around them, the change the process births in you as a person, the sense of fulfillment you get from life just because one little baby reciprocates your feelings of love and the admiration expressed towards them. It is being part of those precious moments like their first smile, giggles, mouth tricks or even the look on their face when they taste something for the first time; when they discover their limbs, their first words, the deliberate show of intelligence. It is the look in their eyes as they longingly hang on every word you say because they love and trust you. When they grow into adolescents and young adults, it is sharing in their triumphs, comforting them in their moments of weakness, having them look up to you for advice in moments that define their lives, watching them build their own homes and come back to tell you thanks for being there through it all. Yes, these are the true joys of motherhood.

We may not all birth our own kids but we can still experience all these 'joys of motherhood' when we choose to look beyond ourselves and become a blessing to any child in need out there. Motherhood is a blessing and I won’t trade in this experience for the world.

How to love your children

The mind of a child is like a blank slate; one that gets filled with recurrent observations and influences. As grownups, we tend to study each other’s love language and then choose different expressions of love that we know is valued by the people we surround ourselves with. For children, their initial form of communication is crying and throwing feats. Giving them comfort and being able to understand or interpret what they cannot express in words becomes proof of our love for them.

As the child grows older, their communication skills improve and they begin to interpret what we adults do as signs that we love them. For toddlers, giving them attention and spending time with them become the definition of love for them. In a busy world like ours where ‘time is money’, how can we show children just how loved they are? Below are a few of the ways:

1. Listen to them – While inquisitive children like to ask questions, others just enjoy the sound of their own voice and want to do what they see parents doing everyday i.e. talking. When your children come to you, listen to what they are saying and talk back to them about what you heard. It’ll make them feel important and build their confidence; it also increases their ability to trust you with information about anything.

2. Make out time to play with them and always be available everyday - you’ll notice how often they want you to be involved in anything they do. Even when they are playing, if they love you, they’ll try to include you in it. Even when they grow older, create family activities that allow you to interact with them physically. Knowing parents are available and reachable also makes it easier for them to spend quality time with you thereby getting to know you as a person and enabling them to learn from you.

3. Talk to them, ask questions – taking time out to ask questions about their day and their life, lets them know you are interested in their affairs. If their answers are vague, dig deeper until they are willing to confide in you about struggles and challenges they face. If they choose to stonewall, let them know you are there for them and ever willing to listen and give wise counsel.

4. Don’t give into their every demand – most times children don’t know what is best for them. Protect them even from themselves. If they give in to bouts of crying because they want sweets, give them only one and tell them that’s all they are getting, no matter how hard they scream and cry. Distract them with anything else and when that desire of sweet is replaced by another like playing with a relative, a toy or watching their favourite program on TV, they’ll soon forget why they were crying. Once they’ve stopped crying, explain to them why you didn’t give them what they asked for. By doing so, you’ll end up teaching them an important lesson which is, not everything want in life is in our best interest.

Whatever you do, be careful around children because they watch everything you say and do and that becomes the basis of their understanding of life. Even if you show them love, if you don’t show love to everyone else around you, soon enough the depth of your love for them will be questioned as they grow older and before you know it, the rebellion and withdrawal stages will become manifested. The golden rule of life still applies to children, ‘love your neighbours as yourself’.