6 COMMON MISTAKES WOMEN MAKE IN MARRIAGE

Marriage is meant to be a lifelong institution which one should only remove oneself from by being dead or divorced (due to infidelity or cruelty of an unrepentant partner). Yet it’s amazing how many young people seem unprepared for the hard work it takes to maintain one’s marital home. Hence when they marry, they find themselves making poor decisions because the lacked the basic understanding of what marriage is about and why they chose to get married to that particular person. Rather than playing the blame game, let’s identify some areas in which women who have faulty marital foundation tend to make mistakes and proffer some solutions worth trying.

1. The ‘Babe’ syndrome – Some women get so comfortable with crossing the hurdle of having a partner (who swore to love them for life despite the changes in life) that they feel they don’t need to try too hard to keep their men. Ask yourself, when you were a hot single lady, what were the things you did that attracted the man of your dreams to you? Are you still doing them? Many make excuses that having kids makes it hard for them to pamper themselves or splurge on themselves so they become lazy in the beauty and health department and lose their figure.
Solution:- To remain a ‘babe’ in spite of the aging process, maintain those positive attributes you had while single that drew your spouse to you. A friend of mine calls it, strengthening your strengths. Take time out to ‘work out’, dress well (even if you are at home all day) and look good. As a mother, find that balance between being a mother to your kids and a wife to your spouse and ensure both of their needs are met even if it means foregoing some chores. Make yourself happy; don’t put the burden of your happiness on your spouse. Before you met him, you were responsible for your happiness and you need to continue to do so.

2. Accepting the ‘weaker vessel’ syndrome – Women are in no way inferior to men so suddenly abandoning your career drive or self improvement ventures because you got married is as good as saying, you need to be redundant for your husband to feel in control. Even if your spouse asserts his dominance by refusing your ability to ascend mentally, either by furthering your education or pursuing a career, that is still no reason to become laid back to the point of mental incompatibility with your mate.
Solution:- Build yourself up by reading books, engaging in informative discussions, hang around people who are constantly in pursuit of knowledge and watch relevant TV programs that will encourage you to be objective about issues. Men are logical beings so you need to appeal to their sense of logic by being armed with quality information, this will make you an indispensable asset to them.

3. Fighting the Mother In-law – Not all mother in-laws are evil, even the ones with the best intentions can sometimes get on your nerve and that can cause dissension. Sometimes, difference in upbringing preferences especially during ‘Omugwo’ (the three months after delivery when your mom in-law comes over) can cause your husband to feel like he needs to take sides for peace to reign. This in no way helps the unity and harmony needed in home.
Solution:- Treat her with respect (if not for her, you probably won’t have your hubby), honour her even if she doesn’t like you and apply wisdom when relating with her. Never attack her verbally or physically regardless of who provoked who. Choose how you respond to her; don’t react to anything negative she does. Praise her, acknowledge her input and appreciate her knowledge. Be careful with the choice of words you use when discussing her to your husband especially if you are pointing out her flaws. Pray for her and commit your relationship with her to God.

4. Seeking to change Hubby – If you married him because of whom or what you expected him to become over time, you may be sorely disappointed. Don’t also expect that his personality or preference won’t evolve over time because it’ll shock you when it does. This is not to say you shouldn’t embrace the potential of who he can become with time. It is simply a warning about not being overly content or ambitious with the man you married. Even if he will change to become what you wish him to be, he’ll do so on his own terms, in his own time and not because you want him to be.
Solution:- Be patient with your spouse. Make sure you have the right perception of him and be willing to evolve with him however form the evolution might take. Make sure you have the right perception of him and be willing to be content with your man’s present state while aspiring for him to be more. Gently nudge him in the direction you wish him to go, make suggestions and watch him make the choice to listen to do what you said on his own.

5. Punishing Hubby with sexual abstinence – Most men love sex so much, they would have it every day if possible except when they are tired, hurt, hungry, or scared of rejection or poor performance. If you weren’t ready for regular sex, why did you get married? Didn’t you know it was part of the vows you took to endow him with your body? There are many reasons why ladies refuse to have sex with their spouses, it could be they are angry with him, having hormonal issues, are tired mentally or physically, don’t find themselves worthy of his love, are sexually unsatisfied with the whole sex experience or are scared that the way he was in bed wasn’t what they were normally used to and it could probably be because of something he isn’t telling them.
Solution:- Rather than deny him sex, talk to him about whatever it is that is holding you back. If you have unresolved issues and makeup sex doesn’t work for you, spend time with him resolving and put your mind back in the right frame for your body to respond to him. Understand that sex for a man is sometimes more than just intimacy with you or pleasure for him; it could be a way of reassuring himself that he’s not a failure (especially if he feels defeated in any sphere of his life) or comforting himself when he feels down. If you are tired, try communicating it with him and promise to give him a treat soon, make sure you are the one who initiates sex after turning him down.

6. Comparing your spouse with others – Some women have the challenge of comparing their husbands with their ex either in financial, sexual or other matters. Some point to other husbands and families and say, “See what your mates are doing. You dey here dey slack.” This ought not to be. What is good for the goose may not be good for the gander. While you think you might be challenging him to take on more responsibility, you are actually destroying his ego, attacking his identity, disrespecting him or under-appreciating all the good things he does for you.
Solution:- If you like something that someone else is doing, rather than pointing fingers, you can make it a suggestion, “honey why don’t you try doing this and this every once in a while, I’ll really appreciate it.” Try to understand your men’s strengths and weaknesses, his style of communication and his personality then relate to him on that basis. If you won’t like to feel inadequate as a person, don’t do same to your hubby by comparing with someone else.

Now you know, be wiser in your approach to marriage.

Teenagers and Money

I wrote this piece for a magazine that was exclusively printed for a select few. So enjoy:

Being young is fun especially if you are lucky enough to have uncles and aunties who give you money whenever they come to visit or if your parents give you an allowance regularly. It is important however to start learning financial accountability; not because your parents expect you to but because it makes you know how every kobo received was spent. So here are a few tips to help you make the most of the money you receive:-

 Give 10% to God. One good way to ensure your money never runs dry is by paying your tithe. A tithe is a spiritual act that tells God you are grateful that He gave you the money in the first place. It’s the first thing you should do when you get an allowance; it motivates God to give you much more.

 Write down ALL transactions. It’s important to write down not only how much money you received and when but also what you spent it on, how much it was and when you spent it. This way you’ll have a record of all your spending decisions and be better able to improve how you spend.

 Be a smart shopper. Moms are the best buddies when it comes to buying things at least expensive prices so tag along whenever your mom goes shopping or offer to assist her buy things like recharge cards, grocery etc. That way you’ll know how much things cost and where you can get the best deal for your money’s worth.

 Invest. Another way to make sure you never run out of money is to look for opportunities that increase the money you have. Buy something you can sell that you know your classmates will want to pay for e.g. Pencils or erasers or even biros. Tell them about it and make sure you collect the money before giving them the goods.

 Save, save, save. Whenever you receive money, always put aside an amount you won’t touch until absolutely necessary. You could save up for a project like tickets to the cinema once a month. Don’t carry around all the money you have because you’ll be tempted to spend it all at once. Break up your money into bits and promise yourself you won’t spend more than a particular amount. That way the day you aren’t given an allowance, you can actually have some money to fall back on (your savings).

There’s so much to learn when it comes to handling money. Many adults are still learning about it, so go easy on yourself, one day you’ll get it right. It takes great practise to become great with money but once you do, you can handle any monetary twists and turns.

Celebrities and their headgears

Hats and face caps are part of our casual fashion wardrobe. There are so many types of them out there but can you tell the difference?

I’ll name a few celebrities that can help you identify the trendy hats and face caps that you can rock with your casual outfits. You ready? Let’s go:

Lil wayne and P-square – flat brimmed baseball cap (worn snap-back)

Chris Brown and Mo'Cheddah – flat brimmed baseball cap

Paul I.K. Dairo and Brad Pitt – Newsboy cap

Ruggedman and David Beckham – Beanies

Sean Connery and Angelina Jolie – Panama hat

Bez and Bruno Mars - Fedora with rolled up brim

Goodluck Ebele Jonathan and Indiana Jones – classic Fedora

Adams Oshiomole and Rihanna – Military style cap for the Army.

Now you know, choose the one that best suits you and go do your thing!

VALENTINES DAY CELEBRATION ALL AROUND THE WORLD!

Don’t you just love holidays? From all the goodies of Christmas, we are right back to another mega season of worldwide celebration, the celebration of love (popularly known as Valentine). As a Christian, showing and celebrating love is or should be our daily lifestyle but generally, love is the reason behind every celebration in any year. But the world has chosen Feb. 14th as the perfect time to do this because of the sacrifice of martyr St. Valentines, a priest in Rome who suffered martyrdom about AD 269. But let’s not bore ourselves with his story; I’m sure you’ll be hearing about it all over the radio that day. I’m more interested in how its celebrated all over the world. Now let’s globe trot and see how it’s done around the world.

In Europe particularly in Norfolk, a character called 'Jack' Valentine knocks on the rear door of houses leaving sweets and presents for children. While in Finland Valentine's Day is called Ystävänpäivä which translates into "Friend's day". As the name indicates, this day is more about remembering all your friends, not only your loved ones. The same goes for Valentine's Day in Guatemala, which is known as "Día del Amor y la Amistad" (Day of Love and Friendship) where people do "acts of appreciation" for their friends. In some places St. Valentine marks the beginning of spring. For instance in Slovenia, Valentine's Day has been celebrated as the day when the first works in the vineyards and on the fields commence. Also in Asia particularly in Japan, it has become an obligation for many women to give chocolates to all male co-workers. This is known as giri-choko. Friends, especially girls, may exchange chocolate referred to as tomo-choko; from tomo meaning "friend". The men are expected to return the favour to those who gave them chocolate on March 14 which is called "White Day". Originally, the return gift was supposed to be white chocolate or marshmallows; however, lingerie and jewelry have become common gifts.

In China, the common situation is the man gives chocolate, flowers or both to the woman that he loves. In South Korea, women give chocolate to men on February 14, and men give non-chocolate candy to women on March 14. On April 14 (Black Day), those who did not receive anything on the 14th of Feb or March, go to a Chinese restaurant to eat black noodles and "mourn" their single life. Poor we *sniff sniff*. Anyway, can u believe that Valentine's Day is currently celebrated in Iran despite some restrictions made by government? Young Iranian boys and girls are seen on this day going out and buying gifts and celebrating. And in Saudi Arabia in 2008, religious police banned the sale of all Valentine's Day items, telling shop workers to remove any red items, as the day is considered an un-Islamic holiday. This ban created a black market of roses and wrapping paper. Hey, you can’t stop love. Enough talk. That’s a whole lot of information don’t you think?

So how should we make this day special in Nigeria? Let’s see. I know the conventional move is to hang out in an eatery joint but come on you’ve got to be more imaginative than that. The beauty of love is it goes to extraordinary limits in its expression (like Jesus hanging on the cross for you). So try to go out of your way and do something really special that says, “I love you”. Material gifts are not the only things you can give, there could be better options. And it mustn’t be for someone you know, could be for a stranger, a homeless person better yet give at-least half of the money you would spend for the gifts, to missionaries, or for the poor. You will have the best of feelings inside you. Many people have different ways they respond to love so get to know what it is and speak their love language in a way they can understand. It doesn’t have to be expensive just look for the person’s love language and speak it!

Ps.
That day is my boo's birthday so... you don't need to know how I'll be celebrating him, that's my secret. *wink* Happy birthday b***. muah!

My first Movie Review for 2014

So in 2013, my last review made mention of some films I just couldn’t write a one line summary about but between then and now, so many new movies have been released like the Hobbit2, Blue Jasmine, Wolf of Wall Street, American Hustle, Frozen, Cloudy with a chance of Meatball 2, Inception 2, etc. I’ll try to do my best incorporating current movies into my list. So, here it goes:

1. Great Gatsby - I love everything about this movie – the ambiance, the plot, the couture, the choice of cast – especially the soundtracks which I heard long before the movie came out. This film is the fifth movie adaptation of the 1925 novel written by American novelist Scott Fitzgerald. It did so well in the box office as it ranked second to Iron Man 3 in its opening week. It’s such a powerful story that ballets, opera, graphic novels and even computer games have been made from it over the years. Kudos to the cast, Leonardo DiCaprio, Tobey Maguire, Carey Mulligan, Joel Edgerton, Amitabh Bachchan and Elizabeth Debicki, for an excellent performance. I hoped Leonardo Dicaprio would actually win a Golden Globe Award for this movie after numerous nominations in the past but it turns out he won Best lead actor for AACTA Award from the Australian Film Institute for this movie instead. At least he was able to secure an 2014 Golden Globe for the black comedy Wolf of Wall Street, a true life story which was released on the 25th of December 2013.

2. The Conjuring – I don’t know why I’m drawn to movies made from real life events experienced by real people. This movie is captivating from the first supernatural manifestation to the last. Movie review sites like Rotten Tomatoes and Metacritics rated it highly as a well done horror movie which was in the same category with originals like Exorcists and Poltergeist. It was produced by New Line cinemas and distributed by Warner Bros. This movie is one among others (e.g. Amityville Horror and Insidious) which is based on the lives of Ed and Lorraine Warren (Ed passed away on August 23rd, 2006 but Lorraine is still alive). Their paranormal investigations of Demons led them to prominent cases of haunting.

3. Now you see me – This movie is one in a long line of movies that explore the actual concept of illusions rather than the dramatic. As some critics described it, it’s the modern day Robin Hood story. The characters were simply amazing in their performance, the storyline and its twists were perfect and the magical effects were taught to the actors by the great David Copperfield, the world’s greatest illusionist. Many critics claimed it was a terrible movie, citing change in camera positions by certain actors as seen during one or two scenes but for me, if the movie was produced in May 2013 at an estimated $75million and by September it had grossed over $117million in USA only, I call it a success and a must watch.

4. Las Vegas – The veterans of Hollywood finally came together to make a light hearted comedy movie that explored the subjects of how older citizens deal with old age and romance. The dialogue was hilarious and believable and just thinking of this film makes me smile. This film reminded me of how I felt when I heard my grandmother - who has been a great grandma for almost a decade now - had a crush on a Doctor she met in the UK during a medical appointment and it gave me a realistic picture of how that was remotely possible. It was such a pleasure to have the likes of Michael Douglas, Robert Di Nero, Morgan Freeman and Kelvin Kline star in a movie directed by Jon Turteltaub (also the Director of National Treasure & A Sorcerer’s Apprentice) and even though it felt like an older version of The Hangover franchise, it’s still a must watch.

5. Runner Runner – This crime thriller started out very mundane and kinda stretched out till towards the end. Once the film was done, I could see why Leonardo DiCaprio opted to be one of the producers of this movie. Sometimes in the face of seeming truth, people choose to believe what seats best with their consciences. Ben Affleck and Justin Timberlake put up quite a performance and the beauty of using intellectual knowledge in every day occupation was well highlighted. I usually don’t like sharing the plots of movies so as not to discourage anyone from watching it but it’s necessary for me to mention here that the lead character, Richie, was a former worker on Wall Street whose history of a lucrative career there, hindered his ability to get funds/tuition assistance at Princeton University where he set out to do his Masters degree. That’s how his journey into the world of crime and police bullying begins. Too bad there wasn’t any real running as the title suggested.

6. Captain Philips - Once again, Tom Hanks delivers an award winning performance as he showed us the emotions of the character in this movie. Beyond being a true life story for which the man in question is truly grateful for having his life spared, it was the first movie in a long while that made me shed tears. In the face of a death threat, all Captain Philip could think of was his family and how to save lives even that of his enemy. A straight forward plot but as with all good dramas, we get to see reality in a different light because the actors brought more to light by their understanding of the roles they played. This movie I would watch again any other day.

That’s all for now folks. Till our next review, do make out time to relax at the cinema or at home with a great movie.

NIGERIA'S ANTI-GAY LAW

A few weeks ago, CNN talked about our Same Sex Prohibition Act which has now become an issue of whether it is right or not to deny the basic human rights of a minority within a democratic society or the injustice of the Bill. Many Nigerians are careful not to flood Social Media with their views because of the embarrassment they felt when they took a stand against the Senate for the Underage girl marriage amendment, which they thought was being made to the 1999 constitution, only to be told they read the bill out of context. The penalties of this Bill, I agree, are a bit too stiff (e.g. 14 years imprisonment) and I also concur with some Nigerians that some terms in the Act need to be properly clarified so Law enforcers do not abuse it. Nigerians also need proper orientation on the Act so as not confuse it with Sharia Law which prosecutes homosexuals for being gay.

While the Act may seem extreme, keeping quiet about the matter will only make it worst. Being gay is a personal choice but robbing it in the face of the Majority that do not accept it as a way of life is pushing it too far. But that doesn't give anyone the right to molest Gay people. Understanding of this matter is imperative to enable one take a stand and to do that, you need to read the Prohibition Act or the interpretation of the Act from a legal stand point, see http://t.co/fmJpONpZ0F. And one last thing, please stop attacking Goodluck Ebele Jonathan (GEJ) for signing the Bill. If the Bill reflects the wishes of Majority of the Nigerian people whether it be based on cultural or religious preferences, should he not sign it? Are we not in an era of democracy where the Government is answerable to the people? (see dailypost.com.ng/2014/01/22/reno-omokri-sex-marriage-government-teacher/).

This post was first hosted on my facebook page, Life, Love and Anything Goes

THE MEETING POINT (PT. 2)

...continued from last blog post

POLITICS

• MRS JOE OKEI-ODUMAKIN
(Human Rights Activist in Nigeria; President of Women Arise for change Initiative, Center for Change in CDP and Democracy for Change Campaign, etc and has received Multiple Awards)

Change does not come down from Heaven; we have to be part of that change. My cause is to see a system that works. Women who have been given the opportunity to serve have delivered, apart from a few who have let us down. We need to have that passion for change, we also need to change our mindsets and have a goal. We need to be assertive, study and stand up for what is right. The youth remains he lubricant of the survival of any society. Let us believe that what we do today with determination, posterity will outlive us. Let’s believe that anything we do today will live on. The more united we are as agents of change, the greater our chances of making Nigeria flourish again.

• JOHN OYEGUN
(Former Governor of Edo State during Babangida’s transition from Military to Democratic rule between 1992 -1993, Chairman Technical Working Committee of CODER and Leader of ANPP political party)

People look at Politics as a money making venture because people do not have alternative employment, we have a comatose economy, graduates without job or people serving with no experience. Before I entered Politics, I used to work in Development where doing projects to enrich society was the emphasis, so it formed the mindset/idea I had when I decided to go into Politics. With a civil servant father, growing up I learned to have a clear idea of what should not be done because the price to pay is high. The remedy for choosing service oriented political leaders is: Nobody should be entrusted with an office if they do not have their own business, worked in a structured environment or managed something because he won’t have what it takes to govern. You don’t practice governance with the Nigerian Populace of over 100million. Youths have to be prepared by being knowledgeable, aggressive, setting goals and persevering in pursuing them. You must be in command of your field don’t let anyone shut you out or down. Choose a direction to which you want to make an impact and you’ll get there sooner than later.

• MR. IYOBOSA
(Former Reporter of the News Temple Magazine, known for investigative Journalism)

Media is one of the institutions that have a role to play in advancing the society. In 1999 Nigerian constitution, the media were mandated to hold the government accountable to the people and we have been doing that quite well. Investigative journalism has been a tool in exposing corruption. The youths are no longer leaders of tomorrow but of today. Most Nations that have made progress turn to their young because the youths have more energy; they are more daring because they don’t know the cost of failure. Jesus and Alexander the Great are a few young people who changed the world but age should not be the factor. The question is as young people do we prepare ourselves for leadership? Back in the days, University students usually stood up to government when policies and unpopular decisions are made, it showed that we were engaged in the governance of the Nation.

BUSINESS
• DR. FEB IDAHOSA (BISHOP FEB)
(Son of Archbishop Benson A. Idahosa of blessed memory; founder of thirteen companies and brands, CEO of six Nigerian Companies and board member of two American Universities)

Learn to start small. Start with what you have and what you know how to do and as you do that, your business will grow to become as big as the business you aspire it to become. Get a mentor, someone who has done what you want to do and has gone further than you. Study the person, read their stories; when you are in the presence of greatness, ask questions. Always solve problems and people will chase after you.

• AUSTINE ASIMONYE
(CEO Austin Laz and company Plc, an indigenous manufacturer & specialist in refrigeration equipment and plastic products)

It is where you are that matters, God will always locate you at your location. Don’t focus on problems, focus on your goals and let them motivate you to find solutions to the challenges on your path. Government has made funds available for the manufacturing sector. To overcome the national challenge of power supply in manufacturing, have multiple production lines functioning at the same time, that way your generator covers your cost and compensates for any loss in profit.

• GABRIEL OGBECHIE
(Founder and MD Rainoil Ltd, a leading company in Nigeria’s Oil and Gas Sector)

No one will give a ‘broke’ person money to start a business. You need to have equity before a bank will take your business proposal seriously. When starting up, create structures that your business will need when it grows. The most important thing you need to start any business is knowledge not cash; God will bring people to assist you. If you don’t know much about the business you want to venture into, set your capital aside and study the business. The best time to so business is when you are young with lots of energy and drive not when you are retired or put out of work.

CAREER

• MRS. LAURIE WHETSONE IDAHOSA
(Director of Campus Life in Benson Idahosa University, Real Estate Investor, Event Planner, Executive Member of CWFI and Faith Mediplex board, Co-founder of Big Ben children’s Hospital, Pastor, Mentor and Motivational Speaker)

Do with your life what you are passionate about. Every day you have opportunities that can make or break your future. Take decisions everyday that draws you closer to the path you were chosen for. As a woman, learn to switch ‘hats’ when actively engaging in multiple responsibilities.

• ARUOSA OSEMWEGIE
(An alumnus of Harvard Business School, Human Resource Consultant, Job Search Strategist, Life and Career Coach and Author)

Your career is your life’s expression. Your profession is a tool towards your career. What do you want to be remembered for such that when you look back, you’ll see the channel that took you there. Stop looking for jobs and try to make something out of the place you are in. Your career is different from your profession.

• ELVIS DANIELS
(Head of Youth segment for Etisalat (telecoms company), Marketing professional with over 10 years experience in fields like Relationship, Telecomms, Communications, Sponsorship, Media and Event management.)

People are different and what works for one person may not work for another. Know what you want and it’ll determine your career. If you put your mind at it, you’ll succeed. Study the field you want to excel at, become an expert in it. You have to get out there and make things work for you. If you are focused and persistent with your vision, you will get there. When you are convinced about what you want to achieve, sell it with confidence.

I hope you are inspired to excel in every aspect of your life by these words. Don't just read them, act on them.