6 COMMON MISTAKES WOMEN MAKE IN MARRIAGE

Marriage is meant to be a lifelong institution which one should only remove oneself from by being dead or divorced (due to infidelity or cruelty of an unrepentant partner). Yet it’s amazing how many young people seem unprepared for the hard work it takes to maintain one’s marital home. Hence when they marry, they find themselves making poor decisions because the lacked the basic understanding of what marriage is about and why they chose to get married to that particular person. Rather than playing the blame game, let’s identify some areas in which women who have faulty marital foundation tend to make mistakes and proffer some solutions worth trying.

1. The ‘Babe’ syndrome – Some women get so comfortable with crossing the hurdle of having a partner (who swore to love them for life despite the changes in life) that they feel they don’t need to try too hard to keep their men. Ask yourself, when you were a hot single lady, what were the things you did that attracted the man of your dreams to you? Are you still doing them? Many make excuses that having kids makes it hard for them to pamper themselves or splurge on themselves so they become lazy in the beauty and health department and lose their figure.
Solution:- To remain a ‘babe’ in spite of the aging process, maintain those positive attributes you had while single that drew your spouse to you. A friend of mine calls it, strengthening your strengths. Take time out to ‘work out’, dress well (even if you are at home all day) and look good. As a mother, find that balance between being a mother to your kids and a wife to your spouse and ensure both of their needs are met even if it means foregoing some chores. Make yourself happy; don’t put the burden of your happiness on your spouse. Before you met him, you were responsible for your happiness and you need to continue to do so.

2. Accepting the ‘weaker vessel’ syndrome – Women are in no way inferior to men so suddenly abandoning your career drive or self improvement ventures because you got married is as good as saying, you need to be redundant for your husband to feel in control. Even if your spouse asserts his dominance by refusing your ability to ascend mentally, either by furthering your education or pursuing a career, that is still no reason to become laid back to the point of mental incompatibility with your mate.
Solution:- Build yourself up by reading books, engaging in informative discussions, hang around people who are constantly in pursuit of knowledge and watch relevant TV programs that will encourage you to be objective about issues. Men are logical beings so you need to appeal to their sense of logic by being armed with quality information, this will make you an indispensable asset to them.

3. Fighting the Mother In-law – Not all mother in-laws are evil, even the ones with the best intentions can sometimes get on your nerve and that can cause dissension. Sometimes, difference in upbringing preferences especially during ‘Omugwo’ (the three months after delivery when your mom in-law comes over) can cause your husband to feel like he needs to take sides for peace to reign. This in no way helps the unity and harmony needed in home.
Solution:- Treat her with respect (if not for her, you probably won’t have your hubby), honour her even if she doesn’t like you and apply wisdom when relating with her. Never attack her verbally or physically regardless of who provoked who. Choose how you respond to her; don’t react to anything negative she does. Praise her, acknowledge her input and appreciate her knowledge. Be careful with the choice of words you use when discussing her to your husband especially if you are pointing out her flaws. Pray for her and commit your relationship with her to God.

4. Seeking to change Hubby – If you married him because of whom or what you expected him to become over time, you may be sorely disappointed. Don’t also expect that his personality or preference won’t evolve over time because it’ll shock you when it does. This is not to say you shouldn’t embrace the potential of who he can become with time. It is simply a warning about not being overly content or ambitious with the man you married. Even if he will change to become what you wish him to be, he’ll do so on his own terms, in his own time and not because you want him to be.
Solution:- Be patient with your spouse. Make sure you have the right perception of him and be willing to evolve with him however form the evolution might take. Make sure you have the right perception of him and be willing to be content with your man’s present state while aspiring for him to be more. Gently nudge him in the direction you wish him to go, make suggestions and watch him make the choice to listen to do what you said on his own.

5. Punishing Hubby with sexual abstinence – Most men love sex so much, they would have it every day if possible except when they are tired, hurt, hungry, or scared of rejection or poor performance. If you weren’t ready for regular sex, why did you get married? Didn’t you know it was part of the vows you took to endow him with your body? There are many reasons why ladies refuse to have sex with their spouses, it could be they are angry with him, having hormonal issues, are tired mentally or physically, don’t find themselves worthy of his love, are sexually unsatisfied with the whole sex experience or are scared that the way he was in bed wasn’t what they were normally used to and it could probably be because of something he isn’t telling them.
Solution:- Rather than deny him sex, talk to him about whatever it is that is holding you back. If you have unresolved issues and makeup sex doesn’t work for you, spend time with him resolving and put your mind back in the right frame for your body to respond to him. Understand that sex for a man is sometimes more than just intimacy with you or pleasure for him; it could be a way of reassuring himself that he’s not a failure (especially if he feels defeated in any sphere of his life) or comforting himself when he feels down. If you are tired, try communicating it with him and promise to give him a treat soon, make sure you are the one who initiates sex after turning him down.

6. Comparing your spouse with others – Some women have the challenge of comparing their husbands with their ex either in financial, sexual or other matters. Some point to other husbands and families and say, “See what your mates are doing. You dey here dey slack.” This ought not to be. What is good for the goose may not be good for the gander. While you think you might be challenging him to take on more responsibility, you are actually destroying his ego, attacking his identity, disrespecting him or under-appreciating all the good things he does for you.
Solution:- If you like something that someone else is doing, rather than pointing fingers, you can make it a suggestion, “honey why don’t you try doing this and this every once in a while, I’ll really appreciate it.” Try to understand your men’s strengths and weaknesses, his style of communication and his personality then relate to him on that basis. If you won’t like to feel inadequate as a person, don’t do same to your hubby by comparing with someone else.

Now you know, be wiser in your approach to marriage.